Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
