I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We need a shit load of segways right now
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
