we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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