Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
