i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
