U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
