You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
