I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
