By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
