i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
