he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
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