11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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