Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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