toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
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i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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