had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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