I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
