My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
