He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
