I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
