My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
