the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
