I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
