We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why is there bacon in the couch?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
