Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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