Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
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I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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