Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
