i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
