Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
