you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
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She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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