When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
