she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he was CRYING into my vagina
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
