I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
