oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
