im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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