Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
