In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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