I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
