Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
