It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i out mim tonsoeep
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