you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
