the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
