tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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