the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.