That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
