So drunk its hurt
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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