just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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