I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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