So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
