my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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