Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
