apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I stole a fireplace last night.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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