My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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