Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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