Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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