Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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