I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
